Kumpulan cerita luchu II

[hartono beny hidayat]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest girl thingyl area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[hartono beny hidayat]

Sudah 1 bulan lebih sebuah kapal yang seluruh awaknya lelaki terdampar di sebuah pulau. Persediaan makanan tak mengkhawatirkan, karena pulau tersebut tersedia banyak makanan. Namun yang bikin repot keinginan yang satu itu. Seorang abk sampai harus mendatangi kapten kapal. "Kapten mohon maaf, aku kepingin gituan" kata abk. Kamu gimana sih, masa masih mikir yang gitu-gitu. Karena kasihan esoknya kapten menyuruh abk memasukkan anunya ke sebuah gentong besar. Rupanya abk itu merasakan kenikmatan yang ruar biasa. Sambil mencium tangan sang kapten abk mengucapkan terima kasih berulang kali. Tak disangka jawab kapten tsb. Kamu jangan senang dulu, minggu depan giliran kamu masuk gentong itu.

[hartono beny hidayat]

Sudah menjadi kesepakatan bersama sebelum menikah, maka mulai malam pertama, suaminya selalu memasukkan uang Rp. 20.000,- kedalam celengan sehabis menanam “stek”-nya. Pada saat istrinya akan melahirkan, dibukalah celengan tadi untuk kebutuhan anak mereka.
Celakanya suaminya heran. “koq ada pecahan Rp. 50.000,-an dan Rp. 100.000,-an didalam celengan, padahal aku nggak pernah mengisinya. Atau barang kali istriku mau bikin kejutan, menyisihkan dari sebagian uang belanjanya…?” gumannya.
“Mah…didalam celengan koq ada pecahan Rp.50.000,-an dan Rp.100.000,-an-nya sih mah..??” tanya suami kepada sang istri. “Oh..iya to Mas.., kan nggak semua laki2 sepelit mMas..?” jawab istrinya tanpa rasa bersalah.

[hartono beny hidayat]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two
suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls
his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[hartono beny hidayat]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." ( d**ebiri )

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." --> ( disunat )

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "nuts! THAT'S the word! ;D

[hartono beny hidayat]

seorang nenek sungguh bahagia karena telah menikah dengan seorang pria muda, nenek itu udah berumur 60 tahun manakala si pria pula barusan 27 tahun.
malam pertama sangat ditunggu-tunggu oleh kedua pasangan. Tanpa terlengah-lengah lagi kedua-duanya masuk ke kamar untuk melakukan " kewajiban " suami isteri.
malangnya ketika bangun pagi si pria didapati meninggal dunia, setelah di periksa di rumah sakit, dokter menmberitahu kepada si nenek bahawa si suami meninggal karena terminum susu yang udah habis tempo..

[hartono beny hidayat]

suatu perlombaan besar di dunia sedang digelar di stadion Persib Bandung, sambutan demi sambutan telah diperdengarkan. mulailah dibacakan aturan main dan segera setelah itu perlombaan banyak anak dimulai. Penonton sudah penuh satu stadion...
mc : Untuk peserta pertama dari negara cina (masuklah 1 truk penuh dengan orang)
Penonton : hore.... (tepuk tangan meriah)
mc : Peserta kedua dari negara arab (masuklah 2 truk gandeng penuh dengan orang)
penonton : hore... hebat.... hebat... anaknya banyak bener.
mc : peserta 3 dari Amerika (masuklah 1 tronton besar penuh dengan orang)
penonton : wuih banyak ya...
Mc : Peserta terkhir dari indonesia
(seorang kakek kakek naik sepeda masuk ke dalam stadion)
tiba2 semua Penonton satu stadion bersorak: bapak....! bapak....! bapak....!
Mc : yak pemenangnya adalah dari indonesia ...........

[hartono beny hidayat]

Seorang ibu rumah tangga yang modis yang sudah berusia 50 pergi berbelanja di Galeria mall.
Saat naik lift seorang gadis muda nan cantik berdiri disebelahnya dengan wewangian yang tercium mahal.
Si ibu berkata dengan sombong, "Hmm, ...Giorgio - Beverly Hills, 800 ribu sebotol!"

Kemudian dilantai berikutnya seorang gadis seksi masuk lagi dan berdiri didekat si ibu, lalu si ibu bilang lagi, "Channel No. 5, 900 ribu sebotol!"

Pada lantai ketiga saat si ibu akan keluar dari lift, seorang gadis abg masuk ke lift dan membungkuk hendak membenahi ikatan tali sepatunya, tanpa sengaja mengeluarkan gas alias kentut. Sambil keluar dari lift si ibu tadi bilang, "Uuh, ...Terasi, 1000 rupiah satu ons."

[hartono beny hidayat]

Seorang lelaki karena kebelet pipis terburu-buru masuk ke sebuah WC Umum. Setelah selesai baru dia sadar bahwa dia telah memasuki WC Wanita. Seorang Ibu menghadangnya.
Ibu: Bapak ini gimana sih, wc ini kan untuk wanita!!!
Bpk: Maaf bu saya tadi terburu- buru, jadi nggak lihat.
Ibu: Bisa baca tidak sih, kan ada tulisannya "UNTUK WANITA" tahu ?!! Bpk: Iya bu, tapi .. Ibu: Pokoknya tidak bisa WC ini khusus UNTUK WANITA !!
Bpk: (Dengan sedikit kesal dan menunjuk ke resleting celananya) Ini juga UNTUK WANITA kok bu...

[hartono beny hidayat]

Suatu hari seorang ibu setengah tua mengadakan pesta perkawinan tiga anak gadisnya. Tengah malam setelah pesta perkawinan usai, si ibu kebelet kencing. Waktu ke WC, lewat kamar si Eka. Dia berhenti sejenak .. lamat-lamat dia mendengar jeritan dan tangisan dan rintihan-rintihan juga erangan yang cukup jelas. Si ibu lalu manggut-manggut saja sambil tersenyum - mengenang masa lalu.

Lewat kamar si Dwi dia mendengar suara tawa cekikikan dan canda diiringi juga dengan erangan bahagia. Si ibu pun manggut-manggut saja mengenang masa lalu. Lalu dia melewati kamar si Tri..., lho tak terdengar suara apapun. Hanya suara emm.. emm itupun jarang dan tak jelas.. kali ini si ibu tidak manggut-manggut lagi, tapi langgsung ke WC, kencing dengan kening berkerut - kenapa yach koq saya dulu tidak pernah seperti itu di malam pengantin.

Keesokan harinya sambil sarapan, ibu ini bertanya pada ketiga anaknya:

ibu: Eka, kenapa tadi malam kamu menangis?
Eka: Kan ibu pernah bilang, TIDAK BAIK BERPURA-PURA, kalau merasa sakit yah menangis saja.
ibu: Oh, begitu.. kamu anak yang baik turut nasehat orang tua..

ibu: Kamu Dwi, kenapa tadi malam kamu tertawa-tawa?
Dwi: Kan ibu pernah bilang, TIDAK BAIK BERPURA-PURA, kalau merasa geli yah tertawa saja. (tak mau kalah)
ibu: Oh, begitu.. kamu anak yang baik turut nasehat orang tua..

ibu: Terus kamu Tri, kenapa tadi malam kamu koq diam saja?
Tri: Kan ibu juga kan sudah sering bilang, TIDAK BAIK BICARA KALAU MULUT SEDANG PENUH..

[hartono beny hidayat]

Ada seseorang yang baru diangkat menjadi karyawan dan mendapat fasilitas dari perusahaannya, AC, meja dan kursi baru yang empuk serta komputer canggih pentium IV, printer laser jet, dilengkapi aksesories lainnya seperti scanner, modem dll.
Di hari I dia disuruh bossnya untuk membuatkan surat perjanjian, dan selang 2 jam kemudia selesailah tugas itu. Namun sang boss marah-marah dan berkata pada karyawan tersebut,"Memalukan!!!Jaman sudah modern, kamu sudah saya beri fasilitas modern, tapi kamu malah membuat perjanjian ini dengan program WS under DOS. Apa kamu tidak bisa pakai MS Word???"
Jawab karyawan,"Bisa, Pak!! Tapi saya tidak bisa buka windowsnya"
"Lho, kan kamu dari jurusan komputer koq malah bingung??"
"Lha saya kan karyawan baru harus patuh pada aturan tertulis yang ada di ruangan ini."
"Aturan apa?"
"Itu di dinding tertulis"This room facilitated with Air Conditioner, please do not try to open windows!"
Lha bagaimana saya bisa pakai MS Word, wong windows saja tidak boleh dibuka...jadi saya kerja under DOS..."

[hartono beny hidayat]

Seorang anak bertanya kepada bapaknya :

Anak (A) : Pak, Kenapa sih Making Love itu enak banget ?
Bapak (B) : Wah, itu kayak sensasi waktu kamu ngupil pake jari kamu, Nak.

A : Trus, kenapa cewek lebih menikmatinya, Pak ?
B : Karena waktu kamu ngupil, yang kerasa paling enak khan hidung kamu daripada jari kamu.

A : Terus, kenapa cewek benci banget amit-amit jabang bayi kalo mereka diperkosa ?
B : Ya, seperti kalo kamu di jalan ketemu orang asing, trus orang asing itu pengen ngupilin hidung kamu pake jarinya dia.... ngeselin khan?

A : Kenapa cewek nggak bisa/nggak mau gituan waktu mereka lagi datang bulan?
B : Kalo hidung kamu berdarah, kamu masih pengen terus ngupil?

A : Kenapa cowok nggak suka pake kondom waktu mereka making love?
B : Kamu suka nggak ngupil pake sarung tangan ?

[hartono beny hidayat]

Si Ipung ..............

Ada keluarga muda, baru punya satu anak berumur 5 tahun
bernama Ipung; Mereka tinggal di perumahan type 21.
Karena rumah type 21 hanya ada 1 kamar tidur,
praktis mereka : bapak, ibu,dan anak tidur dalam
satu kamar dan satu tempat tidur. Sebenarnya tidak ada
masalah, hanya setiap kali bapak sama ibu mau "bobo2 an"
mesti kucing-kucingan, nungguin Ipung tidur dulu.
Untuk memastikan apakah si Ipung udah tidur apa belum
mereka mengetest dengan cara memanggil Ipung,
kalau Ipung menyahut berarti belum tidur, kalau Ipung diam
berarti udah tidur, berarti aman untuk beraksi.
Suatu malam seperti biasa mereka lagi mood untuk beraksi,
terlihat si Ipung sudah terlelap. Maka sang bapak mencoba
ngetes memanggil.

BAPAK : " Ipung ?!!! "
IPUNG : " Ya, pak ? " Wah , ternyata Ipung belum tidur.
Mereka terpaksa menunggu.Setengah jam kemudian
,gantian si Ibu mencoba ngetes lagi.
IBU : " Ipung ?!!! "
IPUNG : " Yaa, buuu ? "
BAPAK : " Gila, belum tidur juga! (gerutu si bapak dalam
hati saking jengkelnya )

Terpaksa mereka menunggu lagi. Setengah jam ditest lagi,
ternyata Ipung masih belum tidur juga.Berkali-kali
begitu terus. Akhirnya bapak-ibu kehabisan kesabaran,
Ipung betul-betul dibangunin dan dimarahin habis-habisan.
Ipung menangis dan bingung soalnya kan nggak tahu masalahnya
apa. Paginya di sekolah Ipung mengadu kepada ibu guru bahwa
semalaman dimarahin habis-habisan oleh orang tuanya.
Ibu guru bertanya kejadiannya, Ipung kemudian menjelaskan
semuanya, Ibu guru rupanya menangkap permasalahnyaapa,
maka kemudian dia menasehati Ipung, " Ipung, kalau sudah
malam di atas jam 10.00 Ipung harus tidur,dan kalau bapak/ibu
memanggil Ipung tidak usah menyahut, pura-pura saja nggak
mendengar" begitu ibu guru menasehati Ipung.

Malamnya Ipung mengikuti nasehat ibu guru. Beberapa kali Ipung
dipanggil nggak menyahut, padahal Ipung sebenarnya mendengar
karena memang belum tidur. Tapi karena takut dimarahi lagi,
maka Ipung diam saja.Bapak-ibu sepakat bahwa Ipung sudahtidur. Mereka juga sepakat untuk memulai permainanlalu mereka mematikan lampu.
Ipung sebenarnya ketakutan karena gelap, tapi dia juga takut
dimarahi maka dia diam saja.
Permainan pun makin berjalan seru.Heboh. Menggairahkan.
Sampai Ipung juga keheranan krn tempat tidur terus bergoyang
semakin keras dan cepat, tapi dia tetap diam saja.
Sampai akhirnya mereka sudah mau mencapai puncak permainan.
BAPAK : " Aduuuh,buu.... aku mau keluar !!!"(kata si bapak
sambil gemeteran)
IBU : " Paaak, aaaku juga mau keluaaarrrrr "(kata Si Ibu nggak
mo'kalah)
IPUNG : " Ipung ikuuuuuut!!!! " (Ipung langsung teriak ketakutan)

Gw ikutan juga donkkk.....!!!

[hartono beny hidayat]

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Thatta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with thingy Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at thingy and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

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President George W. Bush was going to a Home Depot. He was surrounded by his bodyguards, and everyone immediately took notice of the unusual sight. They looked closer and they saw who it was.

Everyone was in awe. "Why would George W. bush be in a Home Depot?" they all asked each other. "He should have his workers do it for him". Finally, one man asked the President, "What are you doing in this little store of ours?"

To which George replied, "Oh, everyone has been saying that I should get a new cabinet".

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A father walked into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid was spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walked through the market, someone bumped into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin went straight into his mouth and lodged in his throat. He immediately started choking and going blue in the face, and his Dad started panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged man in a gray suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looked up, put his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded his newspaper and placed it on the counter. He got up from his seat and made his way nonchalantly across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully took hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezed gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the quarter, which the man caught in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man gave the coin to the father and walked back to his seat in the coffee bar without looking back.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the man and thanked him profusely. The man looked embarrassed and brushed off the father’s thanks. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. What are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens no," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

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George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." George thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

George continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

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Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

"What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush
appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"d**n it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

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There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

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Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"

[hartono beny hidayat]

Seorang sekretaris melihat celana bossnya terbuka..

Sek.: "Pak, garasinya terbuka."

Boss: "Kau lihat Ferrari ku yah?"

Sek.: "Tidak boss, saya cuma lihat scooter kecil dgn 2 ban kempes."